For a Wedding After a Funeral
by Magnus Parvus
Summary: This Angel story takes place in the first part of season five with another Buffy supporting character, Spike, providing his wit to the dialog. This story easily competes with the very best single stories that don’t tie in with an overall season story arc.
1. Chapter 1

This Angel story catches up with the gang in the middle of season five with another Buffy supporting character, Spike, providing his wit to the dialog. I've tried to make this story stand up with the very best single stories that don't tie in directly with the overall plot for the season. With it I've tried to show off my ability to emulate great writers and this story is as close to a Joss Whedon written story as you are likely to find. Although the story is in prose form, it is essentially an hour long television script and follows the conventions of that writing form.

Part 1 "The Funeral"

The Funeral…

A black cat walked in the graveyard, it rubbed its body against one of the gravestones.

Behind the cat a small funerary group was gathered around a priest as he read from the Bible.

"And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;  
Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;  
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."  
- Genesis 3: 17-19 (KJV)

The casket was lowered into the grave.

A young red haired girl turned and whispered to a red haired boy about the same age beside her.

"For she loves him still. Correct?" She looked to a young woman, dressed in black and sobbing loudly, who stood near the casket.

"Correct, she still has love for him."

"She loves him once his soul is lost?"

"Once she loved him, he lost his soul."

The sobbing girl began shrieking loudly, she jumped on top of the casket as it was lowered in the grave, scratching and clawing at the coffin lid. "Noooo! No, no, no!"

The tombstone loomed over her casting its shadow below.

Inscribed on the tombstone were the worlds. "He loved animals. He saved them, a lot."

The Cemetery…

Day turned to night. A flashlight beam shone on the headstone.

"Ah over here, this one's E. Ville. It says right on it." Fred leaned over the tombstone.

"What? Someone marked the grave site for us." Angel approached them.

"Not exactly. See!" Fred pointed at the name inscribed on the tombstone, Earnest Ville, PhD, He loved animals. He saved them, a lot. "See Mr. E. Ville."

"Whoa, wait a second girl, see that PhD at the end of the name. That ain't no Mr. E. Ville, that's Dr. E. Ville. Do you think he spent all that time working for his doctorate just so that he could be call Mr. E. Ville?" Gun laughed maniacally. "Ha, ha, ha."

Gunn tilted his head back and clenched his fist sternly before him. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"

"Er… Gunn are you OK?" Fred raided her eyebrows at Gunn.

"Oh c'mon, you know Dr. Evil? Bald headed super-villain?" Gunn rubbed his bald head.

"Bald headed super-villain? Er… isn't that Lex Luthor?" Angel furled his eyes confused.

"Whether he's bald headed or not, this guy is certainly a super-villain." Gunn waved an envelope in his hands. "This note said that he's supposed to be coming up from that grave all bumpy headed and long in the tooth."

"It still doesn't make any sense why would they just drop us that note anonymously and not just come in and talk to us." Fred mused. "Ya ask me and the whole thing seems like a set up."

"You may be right. But what are we gonna do? We just can't ignore it. We have enough killer vamps lose in this city."

"This could be a trap, I mean, people could be scoping us out right now." Fred looked around the graveyard anxiously.

A silhouette outline of a woman could be seen near the gravestones far behind them.

Gunn turned to Angel. "Not likely. Angel, you would've smelled them or sensed them or something by now, right?"

Angel looked at the gravesite distractedly. "Yeah, yeah I guess."

A small bit of dirt tumbled down the slight slope of the freshly dug grave.

An arm sprung up out of the dirt.

Angel grabbed it firmly by the wrist. "You'd have a hard time trying to sneak up on me."

Angel tugged on the arm. A man in a dark suit sprung up out of the grave.

Angel tossed the man, whom he still held by the arm, over his shoulder.

The bumpy headed man on the ground flared his sharp teeth at Angel.

Angel head butted the man.

Angel stared at him. The area of the man's forehead looked indented and beaten in.

Angel hit the man in the jaw. A set of white dentures flew out of his mouth.

Angel took a cursory glance at the set of upper teeth.

"Kinda young to lose all your teeth." Angel punched the man in the face again.

"Of course that's one of the big advantages of being a vampire." Angel hit the man in the face again. "Your teeth grow back even if they get knocked out, sort of like sharks teeth."

"Well I could knock the rest of your teeth out as I knock you around the block. But I really don't have time to rock around the clock so I'll guess I'll just knock off your block." Angel grabbed a short sword from the scabbard on his back. He held his outstretched sword in hand, ready to deliver the killing blow.

Suddenly Angel froze. His hand was slowly pried open, as if by invisible fingers. But the sword did not fall to the ground. Angel's eyes widened in shock as the sword floated in mid air. The sword glided through the air, moving behind him slowly.

Angel struggled to move his lips. "What's happening? I can't move."

Suddenly the sword stuck Angel from behind, it sliced threw his neck, the tip protruding in front of the face of the man he was about to behead.

Angels blood poured out around the blade emerging from his neck and ran with a slow drip onto the face and lips of the man before him.

All of a sudden Angel fell on his side, the sword still lodged in his neck. Beside him on the ground he saw the forms of both Fred and Gunn lying unconscious.

He looked up to see standing over them, a woman in silhouette .

The Med Lab…

Angel opened his eyes to see the blurry form of Fred standing over him. "Huh. Fred, are you ok?"

Fred rubbed a large bruise she sported over her eye. "I'm ok, I just got knocked on the noggin for the 500th time."

Fred curled up her lip sceptically. "I'm sure that's not going to cause brain damage or anything like that. Right?"

Gunn grabbed Angel's hand and clasped it in his own. "Hey bro! How you doing? You lost a lot of blood, man, a lot of blood."

Angel noticed a bunch of tubes pumping a reddish fluid into his arm. "I guess that's what these are for." Angel lifted his arm and pointed to the tubes.

Angel rubbed his throat, a large red gash could be seen on his throat. "I got lots of things sticking into me."

"Actually we're still stuck on who stuck you. Wes is still trying to run down who Dr. Earnest Ville is." Gunn said.

Fred frowned angrily. "I knew we were being set up. I'm really upset that we were set up."

"Yeah well, at least we're all still alive." Angel rubbed Fred's arm.

"Except for you, cause you're not really alive, well ya know, technically." Fred closed her hand over his arm.

Wesley walked in caring a medical chart under his arm. "Oh good you're awake. We've been trying to replenish you with pig's blood most of the day. We used so much of it our butcher supplier actually ran out of it. We had to substitute with chicken's blood."

"Really?" Angel held his hand over his stomach. "Chicken's blood?" Wesley you know I never drink chicken's blood, that stuff is vile."

"Yes I was wondering about that. Technically chickens aren't mammals and are between cold blooded reptiles and mammals on an evolutionary scale. So I was wondering if chicken's blood was adequate for your needs, weather you felt at all sick or…"

Angel leaned over the edge of the bed towards Wesley and regurgitated.

"My shoes!" Wesley cried.

A smile crept over Wes's face. "Perfect!"

Wesley bent down and grabbed a blood drenched shoe in his hand. "Now I can analyse the blood from this sample to determine the differing effects, various species blood has on your health."

"Angel are you ok?" Fred asked concerned.

"Me? Oh yeah fine." Angel covered his mouth with his hand, looking very ill. "Er… Could one of you guys get me a bucket?"

The Kitchen…

Gunn reached his hand into the big bucket of fried chicken labelled "Big Bucket of Fried Chicken". "Wesley, man, I told you, you should've been messing around with the chicken in Angel's blood."

"Believe it or not, I'm doing this for his own good." Wesley bit into a fried chicken leg.

Gunn looked up sceptically. "You mean you're making him sick for his health?"

"Actually that's kind of it exactly." Wesley got up and paced about the room. "You know how introducing small amounts of dead or weakened germs into the body actually builds up the bodies immunity?"

"That's like vaccination right?" Gunn furled his brow, confused. "You're vaccinating Angel?"

"No, no, not really, you see, traditionally vampires don't dine on rats or pigs, they feed on humans. Angel has gone on for over a hundred years now, since he's been cursed, and in all that time never really feasted on humans."

"Except for when he went bad." Gunn sank his teeth into his piece of chicken.

"That's the thing. When he is Angelus he's an extremely powerful vampire, perhaps the most formidable vampire on the planet. He has that power within him but he can't access it when Angelus becomes Angel."

"Because being evil makes him stronger?" Gunn postulated.

"Perhaps, or perhaps it is simply because he doesn't have human blood in his system."

"You mean just like Popeye without his spinach."

"Spinach!" Wesley held his head in his hands incredulously. "Of course! Spinach! How could I have been so stupid?"

Wesley gathered up his notebooks and started humming. "He'll be strong to the finish cause he eats his spinach, he's Angel the Van-pie-yer."

"Hey Wes, where the heck you going!" Under his breath Gunn whispered. "Besides crazy…"

Gunn shouted out after him. "Hey Wesley!"

Wesley hurried out the door.

Gunn reached his hand into the big bucket in front of him. "Oh well, more chicken for me."

Angel's Office…

"No more chicken for me, ever." Angel slugged down from a plastic cup full of red liquid.

"Man I never thought pig's blood would taste so good."

Spike held the wine glass under his nose and whiffed it slightly. "Really it's not like all pigs blood is the same, the younger the better, like little piglets sweet but not too saccharine. I fancy sows blood myself, has a little bit more body to it. As for breeds I've been partial to Bulgarian White."

"Really?" Angel raised his eyebrows. "I figure you more for a Chester white."

"Naw mate, too close to London. You don't mind English food when you live there but when you get off the island and start enjoying continental fare you realise how bad it really is. What suits your pallet mate?"

Actually when were in the east after the Boxer Rebellion I got quite fond of oriental cuisine, the Beijing Black was quite good and if you get a chance you should really try the Vietnamese Potbelly.

"Whoa, are you guys actually having a civilized conversation about wine tasting?" Wesley raised his brow.

"Wine tasting?" Spike looked up.

Angel shook his head. "Heck no! We were discussing pig's blood."

"Ah… Discussing the disgusting. You know up until the pig's blood revelation I was actually getting quite thirsty. Oh well at least you're not talking about human blood, I mean how many vampires chow down on animal blood and think it's delicious?"

Elsewhere…

"Could you hand me another one of those cats, they're absolutely delicious."

The old lady vampire picked up a cat by the scruff of the neck and handed it to the vampire beside her. "Of course dear, have as much as you'd like."

The vampire buried its teeth into the cat.

Wolfram and Hart's…

"So any news about the good Dr. E. Ville?" Fred leaned against the computer desk.

"Yes well, from all appearances he was, a good doctor that is. He operated his own veterinary clinic for over a decade." Wesley ran his finger along the computer screen. "From what it says here, he had very few social contacts. He was single with no family in state; he was pretty well married to his work."

"He should have been married to me." A woman sauntered into the room. She wore all black formal attire.

The woman extended her hand to Angel. "Hello I'm Blair, I am…"

She stopped and stared down at the floor. "That is, I was Ernest's fiancé"

"I'm sorry for your loss…" Angel rose up to shake her hand.

"His loss was more… profound." Blair clasped his hand in hers.

"You're the one that sent us the note about Ernest turning into a vampire aren't you." Angel turned his back to the woman and walked away from her, his hands folded behind his back.

"You were the one in the cemetery last night. The one that gave me this." He pointed at the red mark on his neck.

"No you're wrong." She looked sternly at him.

"I'm wrong?" Angel raised his eyebrows. "You know, I recognize your scent."

"No you are wrong." Blair walked in front of angel. "I was in the cemetery last night, but I didn't do that to you."

She looked at Angel earnestly. "It wasn't me. It was her."

"Her?" Angel furled his brow.

"Her." Blair buried her head in her hands. "She's the one that killed him. She took my sweetheart away. She took him from me."

The woman crumpled to the ground shrieking and crying. "Please you have to help me. You have to help me get him back."

Angel grabbed Blair around the waste and brought her over to the couch. She sobbed and repeated. "Please… please…"

Wesley handed Blair a glass of water.

She grabbed the water and took a few gulps, then buried her head in her arms and began sobbing again.

Angel approached the group in a corner away from Blair. "So whatdoya think?"

Wesley cleaned his glasses. "The young lady is obviously quite upset."

"Oh ya think Sherlock?" Gunn said. "The lady she's talking about, the one who tried to decapitate you, is probably this boy's sire. That explains her being at the cemetery trying to take your head off."

"A parent protecting its child." Wesley postulated thoughtfully. "Makes about as much sense as any I suppose. But why did the good doctor get chosen by this vampire in the first place?"

"I dunno," Angel shrugged. "There are plenty of reasons for that, vengeance and vendettas, building up vampire gangs or armies…"

"Or even that one vampire pyramid scheme, remember." Gunn interjected.

"I'd say the primary reason anybody gets turned is for companionship. It can get kind of lonely being an evil creature of the night. I mean for most vamps it is, I guess. Myself, I've always had Darla and after I was cursed I wouldn't have dreamed of forcing others to drink my blood."

Angel's Office…

"Here you go." Wesley placed a tall, blood filled, glass on the table in front of Angel. "Drink this!"

"What's all this then?" Spike intoned as Wesley placed a similar glass in front of him as well

"Spike, your drink." Wesley slid the glass along the table to Spike.

"Well did you?" Spike picked up the glass and eyed it sceptically.

"Pardon me?" Wesley asked innocently.

"Spike my drink?" Spike tilted the glass in his hand.

Angel narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, Wes normally I pour my own blood. What's with the waiter routine?"

"I've been working on my own special blend." Wes smirked. "Try it, you'll like it."

Spike and Angel looked at each other pensively.

"Oh well, bottoms up." Spike tipped his glass against Angels.

Both of them took large mouthfuls and immediately spit it from their mouths with a big spray.

"My God!" Angel's face was curled in disgust. "It's horrible!"

"What was I saying earlier about English food?" Equally repulsed Spike looked balefully at Wesley.

"Oh come now, I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Wes took a cloth and started to wipe up the tabletop.

"You should drink it, it's a special formula, it's good for you." Wes was slightly offended.

"It's bloody awful." Spike attempted to wipe the taste from his mouth.

"Heck, it's awful blood." Angel pushed the glass away from him.

A black cat sauntered up to the table and began licking up some of the blood that had spilled on the floor. "Well little kitty here likes it." Wesley bent down to pet the cat. "Don't you, little kitty?"

"Little kitty?" Angel stared at the cat confused. "Where'd the cat come from Wes?"

"I believe it's Miss Blair's, she said something about a cat. Where is Miss Blair anyway? I haven't seen her in a while."

"I don't know, I haven't seen her in the past little while. Perhaps she went out for a spell." Angel bent down to pick up the cat.

"Which gives me an idea." Angel smiled as he rubbed the cat's neck.

"If you have a plan would you mind spelling it out for us." Fred asked.

"Sick cat." Angel motioned to the cat in his hands

"Um… Angel" Fred rolled her eyes. "I think it's dogs you're supposed to sic things on. You know, like sic 'em boy, sic the mailman."

The Veterinarian's…

"Oh I get it now, sick cat, as in the cat's sick." Fred slapped her forehead. "Not that we sic the cat on anything."

Fred opened the large glass doors of a building labelled "Animal Hospital".

Angel followed behind her shielding himself from the bright sun with a large black umbrella. "Are you always this quick on the uptake?"

Angel and Fred came through the door, Angel had the large umbrella unfurled above him. Angel held the cat it his arm, it clawed and struggled to loose itself from his grip.

Angel approached the receptionist. "Hi my name's Angel, I wondering if I could see Dr. Ville. Ya see my cat, um Sylvester, has a problem with his um, his um…"

Fred leaned up to whisper in his air.

Angel continued. "His hairy balls..."

Fred slapped Angel across the arm and leaned up to whisper his ear again.

"Um... I mean a hair ball. My cat, um Garfield, has a hair ball problem and we'd like to see Dr Ville." Angel held the cat away from him. "Ow! Quit clawing me, you mangy fleabag."

The receptionist looked at Angel sceptically. "I'm afraid that Dr. Ville has passed on."

"Uh I'm sorry to hear that." Angel lowered his voice. "Er... is it possible to see the guy who moved into his office."

"I'm sorry sir but we're still in kind of a transition phase." She pointed. "His offices over there, still haven't been cleared out."

Angel ran his finger along the nameplate Dr. Earnest Ville fastened to the door. "Heck they still even have his name on the door."

Fred sidled up to Angel and whispered to him. "See Angel, I told you it'd be easier to break in after dark."

Angel raised the umbrella above him in order to exit

"Sir pardon me for asking but why the umbrella?" the receptionist eyed Angel suspiciously. "It's a beautiful sunny day outside."

"Er, yeah well ya see it's cause…"

Fred chimed in, "Because we came to the vet ya see."

Both Angel and the receptionist looked at Fred.

"Because you came to the vet?"

"Yeah, cause we came to the vet, it could be raining like cats and dogs."

Angel smiled blankly at the receptionist. "Raining cats and dogs, see it all makes sense. Ow! I dare you claw me again you scruffy furball."

That Night…

It was night time at the veterinary hospital. Angel walked inside a large room which looked to be the veterinary's operation room.

Angel looked in the fridge. He looked at a bunch of closed vials labeled blood sample. Each of the bottles was empty with just a small drop remaining in the bottom. He looked closely at the inscription on a door marked animal storage. He opened the door to see many animal kennels, each one empty with the door swung open.

Suddenly he heard a load bang just outside of a door marked emergency exit. Angel threw open the door. There was someone lifting a cage full of cats into a large van.

"Earnest." Angel looked at the vampire..

The man turned, he flashed his fangs at Angel

"Hello Father."

Angel stood by the open door. "What are you doing with those animals doctor?"

"Essentially putting them to sleep. Nothing that wouldn't happen to them anyway." The doctor grabbed a bag of biscuits and started tossing them at the animal cages in the van.

"I give them a tasty treat then I treat myself to a taste."

"Aren't you hungry for something… sweeter?" Angel walked up slowly.

"You mean people? People are foul and corrupt, they care about stupid things like money, fame, power."

Ernie scratched a dog by the neck in its cage. "Animals are pure, they want what is important, food, shelter and to be loved."

"Why should I suffer the foul taste of people and the trouble that comes with being a hunted creature of the night, when I can live without the fear of being hunted by a slayer? I live in comfort, feasting on those that I truly love and who are truly worth loving."

"Ah what is loving truly worth?" A red haired girl stepped out from behind the van

"Are you worth the true loving?" A red haired boy stepped out from the other side of the van.

Ernie looked sideways at them in resigned recognition. "Anne, Andy. You always were bad kids, always pulling on the puppy dogs ears."

"Come on now, Ernie. You were hard to find ."

"Now come with us or you will find it hard, Ernie."

"Whoa wait a second guys? What the heck is going on here?" Angel showed his open palmed hands.

"You were foolish to do what you did." Annie punched Ernie in the chest.

"Think you'd fool us by what you did?" Andy hit Ernie in the face.

Ernie struck Anne and Andy simultaneously; they flew backwards toward the ground.

"Whoa now, Ernie watch out. You can't just hit people, you're super strong now. These guys are just kids. You're not allowed to lay a hand on kids." Angel tried to defuse the situation.

Annie smashed a large cinder block on Angel's head. Andy took a large wooden skid and splintered it over Angel's head.

"Wait till I get my hands on you kids." Angel fumed, bound by the remaining skid pieces surrounding his torso.

Both of the red heads rushed at Ernie. Ernie swung a large rebar at the head of the boy. He struck at the neck and lopped the head off cleanly. With the other hand he sliced upward and sliced deeply into Annie's chest. The cut produced no blood was but instead cotton stuffing protruded through.

The girl picked up the head of Andy and lead the boy by the hand. She ran away guiding him behind her.

The skid surrounded Angel, enclosed over his arms. "Those guys weren't human, were they? "

Ernie looked blankly at Angel

"Ok stupid question. Listen I'm kinda stuck here, part of this wood is jabbing in the wrong part, too near the heart, you know what I mean. If I try and break out of this I might jab it in further, think you could help me out?"

Ernie turned around to walk away.

"Ernie?" Angel said tentatively.

Ernie opened the van door and hopped in the driver's side of the van.

"Ernie? Buddy?" Angel called after him.

"Sorry father." Ernie started up the van and it pulled away into the night.

Wolfram and Hart's…

"You're mad!" Spike pushed the blood filled glass away from him. "Leeches wouldn't drink that swill."

"Now Spike you haven't even tried it" Wesley gave Spike a wounded look. "How are you going to tell if you like it or not if you don't at least try it."

"Don't give me that, I have tried it, about a hundred bloody times. Christ sakes you're worse than my mother."

"Those last few batches were different. I'm sure I've got the formulation right this time." Wesley pushed the glass back in front of Spike.

Spike stared weakly at the glass. "You've got to be kidding me, I wouldn't wish this torture on my greatest enemy".

Angel walked in through the door.

Spike smirked as he saw Angel. "On second thought."

Spike raised the glass to his lips. "Brilliant Wes. This gotta be the best bloody, um well, blood I've ever had."

"Hey Angel you should really try…" Spike stopped and covered his hand over the top of his glass. "Er… I mean, get Wes to whip up your own batch 'a this. I'd give ya some a mine but ya know there's only so much delicious blood…"

Angel smirked. "Nice try Spike. You think you can trick me into drinking that swill."

"Trick you?" Spike looked up innocently at Angel.

"I saw you. That glass hardly touched your lips."

"It just so happens that this is delicious blood." Spike raised the glass to his lips but his face was full of utter disgust.

Spike took a couple of short swallows. "The most delicious…" Spike curled up his face in disgust then softened his expression in surprise. He took another big swig.

"My God this is the most delicious blood I've ever tasted." He began swallowing the blood in huge gulps.

"You're kidding right?" Angel looked at Spike sceptically.

Wesley scoffed. "Of course he's not kidding."

Wesley whispered loudly to Spike. "Um, you're not kidding right?"

Spike just poured himself another glass.

Angel looked at him in disbelief he grabbed the pitcher from Spikes grasp. "Hey quit hogging all the hog blood."

Angel poured himself a big glass from the pitcher. "Er… It still is hog's blood right. It's not newborn babies blood or anything?"

"No none of that. Whatsoever none." Wes smiled.

Angel looked up startled while gulping it down . "You say nuns?"

"No, no, Just regular pigs blood, it has some slight additives. Mostly iron like spinach." Wesley winked at Gunn. "There's a large amount of iron in human blood. In fact there used to be a lot more. People used to cook with iron pots iron used to put into peoples food because of their cooking ware."

"You know he's right. This is kind of how people used to taste like back in the day, at the turn of the century." Spike smacked his lips.

"Hey you're right; you know people used to taste better back then, more flavourful." Angel nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah well, people used to eat better too, no preservatives, animal steroids all that stuff. You are what you eat and all that." Spike noted.

"Speaking of which, our vet eats pets not people. I ran into him tonight he doesn't seem to have much an appetite for anything less than four legs."

"How is that possible? I thought all vampires were soulless creatures who dine on human blood." Gunn raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"Not necessarily. As a vampire you most desire to kill and eat that which you most love." Angel gulped down his drink.

"But I thought that you ate your family first." Gunn interjected.

"Kinda proves my point. Who do you most love besides your family?"

"Hmm… I don't know if I had to choose I'd pick you guys to kill and eat." Wes said pensively, sniffing at the pitcher of blood.

"So you think of us that way. Wes that's so sweet." Fred leaned over the table.

"You know I might even torture you." Wes smiled sweetly at Fred.

"All right, all right, enough heartfelt mushiness." Spike leaned back in his chair. "So if this bloke isn't killing folks what do you plan to do about him?"

"I don't know." Angel opened his leather coat and pulled a couple of computer disks from an inside pocket.

Angel held the disks out to Wesley. "Here Wes, look through these, see if you can find out anything."

"What are they?" Wes frowned at the disks.

"Medical notes, mostly on different clients pets. It seems the only notes he kept were about the animals he treated. Honestly, he really didn't seem to have much use for humans."

Angel slumped down in his chair and leaned his head forward. "He called me father."

"What?" Wesley raised his eyebrows. "You're sure?"

"Yeah," Spike added. "He didn't say you're fatter or something like that?"

Angel looked up annoyed. "I'm not fatter."

"Hmm…" Wesley put his hand pensively on his chin. "If he called you father he must think you sired him."

"I'd say it must be all that hog's blood." Spike slapped angel on the tummy. "That extra fat goes right to the gut."

"Blood?" Angel reached up and felt the bumpy red gas on his neck. "Wait. The sword through my jugular."

Spike grabbed Angels glass off the table and tipped it into his own glass. "I'd say it's time you started cutting back."

"Lucky you have a good friend like me to help you avoid those nasty between meal snacks." Spike waved the glass in the air.

Angel stared blankly at Spike.

"Cheers!" Spike tipped the glass before him and said under his breath "Fatty."

Angel rubbed the red area on his neck.

The Cemetery…

Fred rubbed the bruise over her eye as she and Gunn shone their flashlights around the cemetery.

"Here it is." Fred called as she pointed to a grave stone that read "Earnest Ville PhD".

Gunn shone his light on the partially exposed coffin lid. "Unearthed grave, empty coffin from which the undead have risen to walk the earth."

"So far everything's normal." Fred shone her flashlight around. "Well you know normal for us because the abnormal is the norm. Normal, normal people, you know strangers to us, might think it was not normal and a little bit strange."

"Whoa! This is strange and not normal." Gunn ran his hand along the underside of the coffin lid.

He pulled free a tan gooey substance. "It's kind of like chewing gum."

He stretched it but it sprang back into place. "Or rubber."

Gunn and Fred looked up to see a boy and girl with red hair standing before them.

The boy had stitch marks on his neck as if his head had been sewn back on. The girl had large black repair threads running down the front of her torso.

"Whoa, the Bobbsey twins..."Gunn sauntered forth nonchalantly.

"Angel told us about you guys." Fred added.

"So he lost his head and I was split." Annie said without expression.

"And now you've lost so we'll split your heads." Andy added equally stone faced.

The pair came rushing headlong at Fred and Gunn.

"Fred run!" Gunn yelled out, he positioned himself between the onrushing youths and Fred.

Gunn punched Andy in the face then swung with his foot to hit Anne.

They hardly noticed his blows, immediately countering him, one punched him in the face while the other punched him in the chest.

Fred ran for the nearby truck and hurled open the truck's door.

Gunn swung and missed Andy.

Andy swept Gunn's legs out from under him while Anne forced him to the ground.

The both were on top of him, raining blow after blow down on him.

Gunn looked up to see both Anne and Andy kneeling over him, their fists cocked to deliver more blows.

Suddenly they both started to scream. "Arghh!"

They got up and started to run away, fire and smoke flared from their backs.

Gunn looked up. "Fred? How did you?"

Fred lifted a lit blowtorch she cradled in her hands. Blue hot flame emanated from the tip.

Wolfram and Hart's…

Angel walked in. "So what about these disks, did you suss out anything yet?"

Wesley looked up from the computer. "Well yes, something quite disturbing really, it seems he had fallen in love with one of his clients."

"Is about this Blair woman, she bring her cat in to him or something?"

"By client I don't mean the pets owners I mean well…"

Wesley lowered his glasses. "It seems the doctor fell in love with her cat."

Angel's eyes widened. "Her cat?"

"Listen to this…" Wesley read aloud from the computer.

"Today I was admitted in the presence of truly magnificent creature. A vision of true loveliness I never have before seen."

Before…

Ernie stared at Blair as she filled out a form at the receptionist's desk of the animal hospital.

"So you've never had your pet examined before?" Ernie inquired.

"This is the first time anything like this has happened. She's been in perfect health for, well, forever."

"Yes as pets get up in years they tend to start having more problems. Where is she anyway?"

"She's out in the car, parked just out front. I'll get her." Blair walked toward the door.

The doctor waved her off. "No need miss, I'll take care of it."

The doctor opened the door and looked out.

There sitting in the middle of the walk was a small black cat. She slyly licked her paws.

Ernie stared longingly at the cat.

Now…

"I don't believe in fairy tales but it was love at first sight." Wesley turned away from the computer screen.

"Whoa, that is quite disturbing. You sure you're reading that right?" Angel asked.

"There's more a lot of it here, I haven't finished it all yet. I'm almost afraid to."

"What about Blair? She said she was his fiancée."

"Well it seems from this," Wesley waved a computer disk in his hand. "That the reason that they became in any way attached was so that he could continue to see her cat."

""A lot of the notes don't make any sense." Wesley cleaned his glasses. "He keeps referring to the cat in such a way that one would think it was human."

"What ways?"

"Let's just say they're very, very, very disturbing ways." The cat rubbed itself along Wesley's leg. "Arggghhh!" Wesley leapt up off his seat.

He stood and wriggled in disgust. "The cat is still here?"

"Apparently." Angel shrugged. "Too bad Blair hasn't come back. A few answers from her would be very helpful right now."

Fred walked into the room supporting Gunn. "I could use a little help right now."

Gunn, his face bruised, walked weakly as Fred propped him up, supporting him under his arm.

"Oh my God, Gunn what happened?" Angel rushed to Gunn's side to help Fred support him.

"Little kids beat him up." Fred brought Gunn over to the couch so he could sit down.

"Little kids?" Wes looked up from behind the computer.

Gunn gave Fred a dirty look. "Man, that weren't no little kids."

Fred smiled back at Gunn. "Sorry, that was a little kidding."

"They was big scary, dolls from hell, Chucky like, little kids."

"Anne and Andy? Where are they? How'd you get away?" Angel's face was grave.

"Fred set them on fire." Gunn smiled

"Oh." Angel replied softly.

"Burn, baby, burn." Fred swung her hips from side to side.

"Damn Fred you're a real bad ass."

Fred clutched her bottom and turned around like a puppy chasing its tail "Huh. But I though you liked…"

"Uh Fred…" Gunn looked at her quizzically.

"Oh wait you mean that in the metaphorical sense, not in an anatomical way."

"Uh yeah, speaking of anatomy." Gunn threw a set of false teeth on the table top.

The teeth were all sharpened to points. They had two big canine fangs.

"You were right Angel. When that vampire first came up out of the ground he wasn't no vampire. But we were meant to think he was."

Gunn pointed to the false teeth. "False teeth."

Gunn snapped the piece of latex rubber he found. "Fake bumpy brow."

Before…

The bumpy headed man on the ground flared his sharp teeth at Angel.

Angel head butted the man.

Angel stared at him. The area of the man's forehead looked indented and beaten in.

Angel hit the man in the jaw. A white of dentures flew out of his mouth.

Angel took a cursory glance at the set of upper teeth.

"Kinda young to lose all your teeth." Angel punched the man in the face again.

Now…

"So stupid. I was so stupid." Angel paced the floor. "After 250 years you think I would've been smarter. That I would've figured it out by now."

"In the heat of the moment I never realized what was really going on."

"I wasn't sent to that cemetery to stop a vampire…"

Before…

Angel's blood poured out around the blade emerging from his neck and ran with a slow drip into the mouth of the man before him.

Now…

Angel grimaced. "I was sent there to make one."


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 "The Wedding"

The Vampire's Lair…

The couple sat on the couch in the darkened room. The light from the television flickered over them.

"Ernest honestly; 'The Crocodile Hunter'? How do you stand to watch this show?" The old lady turned to him.

"What do you mean? This show has reptiles and worms and insects all manners of creepy crawlies. I'm sure you'll like it."

"It's not that, just the Australian man who hosts the show…"

"Steve - the crocodile hunter himself?"

"Didn't you hear what he did? He put his own son practically in the gapping maw of a crocodile…" The old woman held a cat up to her sharp vampire teeth demonstrating.

" …and then pulled him out just before the crocodile could swallow him down." Demonstrating again she whisked the cat away from her.

"Oh! Oh really? I had no idea." He shook his head disapproving. "What amazing cruelty."

"Indeed, to offer a crock a succulent meal like that, only to pull it away at the last second."

"The man obviously cared nothing for animal rights."

Angel's Office…

"The right animals should lead us to him." Angel paced the floor.

"What?" Fred looked up confused.

"Look L.A. is a really big place. There must be loads of animals getting put to sleep on a daily basis. We just have to track those animals scheduled to be put down and we should find our guy."

"I'm on it." Fred started typing on the computer keyboard in front of her.

Gunn shook his head. "Supposing we find this guy, it's not like he's doing anybody any harm. I mean we ain't the A.S.P.C.A."

"I don't know." Fred typed away at the keyboard. "I think that animals are worth saving too."

"We won't be saving any animals." Angel grimaced slightly.

"But if we find this guy and stop him?" Fred objected.

"We still won't save any animals." Angel shrugged. "It's like he said to me outside the animal hospital, these dogs and cats are destined to be put down anyway, if he doesn't do it, somebody else will."

"Besides does it really matter whether it's a long needle piercing the skin or vampire's teeth?" Angel was nonchalant.

"Vampire bite's not all that bad 'a way to go, really." Spike interjected looking up from his magazine. "I mean it hurts a bit at first, but it's pretty good afterwards."

"I've been burned, bled, riddled with bullets, been crushed, disembowelled and partially dismembered. Those aren't much fun, and honestly I put a vampire bite in my top five of the most pleasant ways to die."

Top five, gee what's on the top of the list?" Gunn rolled his eyes.

"That'd be driven over a cliff by a pack of naked girls on roller states." Spike smiled coyly.

The group looked at Spike blankly.

Spike sighed. "You Americans aren't really much up on British comedy are you?"

"It still seems really inhumane what they do to all those animals every year." Fred frowned as she typed.

"Of course it's inhumane. They're not humans." Angel shrugged.

"I don't understand, if this bloke ain't really hurting anybody, why are you all in a hurry to find and kill him?" Spike asked.

"It's not him I'm after. It's whoever set me up." Angel rummaged through his war chest and pulled out a short sword.

"I'll make them sorry they ever messed with me." Angel ran his finger along the blade. "Me and my son."

The Animal Shelter…

"Son of bitches!" Fred walked in front of a group of caged animals.

"What?" Gunn squinted confused.

"Isn't that what they call male dogs?" Fred said innocently. "I mean if females are bitches then logically males would be called sons of the bitches, right?"

"Males are just called males Fred"

"Would you guys be quiet." Angel put a finger to his lips. "Anything so far?"

"As far as I can tell nothing has been removed from any of the cages." Fred shone a flashlight at the various animal cages surrounding her.

"You say he cleared out that other animal shelter, he might have enough to live on for a while." Gunn opined.

Angel's cell phone rang. The tune of Rule Britannia filled the air. "I just love these singing ringing phones."

Angel smiled anxiously as he reached inside his jacket for the ringing phone. "I have a different song programmed in for everybody so I always know who's calling me."

Angel frowned as he looked at the ringing cell phone. "But I must say that tune really bugs me."

Wolfram and Hart's…

"Dum ta dumm dumm - ta da ta da ta dumm. Dumm ta - la del la del la - ta da da ta dumm " Wesley hummed at he held cell phone to his mouth.

Wes furled his brow. "Angel? How did you know it was me?"

A loud squawking could be heard coming from the phone.

"Angel?" Wesley pulled the phone away from his ear. ""Yes, I know the potato famine was a terrible example of the British Empires rule over the Irish colonies."

"Yes, yes I know the British justice system unfairly prosecuted your Irish countrymen."

Wes closed his eyes in exasperation. "Angel listen, this is neither the time nor place to discuss this. I found a lead on our vet."

"Listen to this…" Wesley read aloud from the computer screen in front of him.

"Some days there's not enough cages to hold them…"

Angel looked at the cages filled with many different dogs and cats before him.

"Some days we have to pack them in two per cage." Angel heard over the earpiece of his cell phone. "The problem with that is when you have two territorial animals sharing the same enclosed space…"

Angel stared at one of the empty cages.

Before…

Inside the cage two cats rolled around on top of each other. Various large squeals and mews could be heard from the pair of fighting cats.

A hand reached into the cage grabbed one by the scruff of the neck. "Ok you two, cut it out!"

"Such a shame, the poor dears all cooped up together like that." A woman dressed all in black with a large black headscarf that covered her face, stood beside Ernie in his white veterinarian's coat.

"A shame? A tragedy is what it is." Ernie pulled one of the cats from the cage.

"We have thousands of animals every year coming through those doors." The doctor placed the cat on a flat white table in the middle of the room.

"We have perhaps a few hundred people looking to adopt a pet." The doctor took out a needle and held it up close to his face so that he could see it. A few drops of clear liquid emanated from the tip.

"This place isn't an animal shelter. It's like death row for creatures with four legs." Ernie frowned.

"No, that's not even true. People on death row are at least there for a reason." He said angrily.

"These animals haven't done anything wrong. They haven't hurt anybody. But that doesn't matter. They're being killed not because of what they did but because of what they are."

A cat's tail twirled in the air.

"No courts, No trial, none to appeal to for mercy. No clemency granted." The cat's tail continued to curl around.

"Just simple execution." The cat's tail stopped moving.

"For the simple crime of not being human." The cat's tail slumped down lifelessly.

"I despise humanity." The cat's tail remained motionless

"God, I hate them." The cat's tail just lay there.

"I hate myself." The doctor looked at the blood stained needle in his hands.

"This job." Ernie shook his head ruefully clearly shaken. "They say that more you do it the easier it gets."

"Well I've been doing it for over ten years now and it's not getting any easier."

"I've stepped over the graves of thousands of innocents." Ernie stared at the animals in the cages beside him.

"It's killing me." Ernie laid the needle down by the cats lifeless tail.

"Killing you?" The old woman pulled back the scarf covering her head to reveal piecing yellow eyes and a large protruding brow. Her grey hair was curled up in a bun at the top of her head.

"Maybe I could help with that." She smiled flashing her long vampire teeth at him.

Nighttime…

The car pulled up outside a huge gate guarding the entrance to a large house that could be seen on a slight slope above it.

"We got the right place, I'm sure that house belongs to vampires." Angel stepped out of the car.

"How sure?" Fred slammed the car door behind her.

Angel kicked at a barred door built into the outside fence. A sign on the door read: Private Property No Trespassing.

Angel walked calmly through the gate he had kicked off its hinges.

"Sure enough."

They looked at the many different cats strewn around the yard, they walked to and fro.

"Look at all the kitties. The yard is littered with them." Fred looked around the yard astonished.

"Pew, it smells like they used the yard as kitty litter." Gunn held his nose.

Wesley looked at the expensive mansion above them "Mrs. Etta O' Garb, She was a major radio star in her day. She had it all and then decided to give it all up."

"No friends, no family, she spent her days locked away in her mansion, surrounded by her many, many cats." Wes continued.

"Obviously things haven't changed much." Angel looked around the yard.

"She's been a vampire for a while now. I'd say since the late fifties, early sixties. As far as I can tell her tastes lead her to dine exclusively on the feline population. She seemed to have had a very good line on those animals about to be euthanized." Wes elaborated. "Remember a few years back Fu-Massa the lion that attacked Freud of that magic act Siegheil and Freud?"

"Yeah they figured that he was too dangerous after the attack and he was scheduled to be put down." Fred nodded.

"Well Miss O'Garb didn't take it lying down, she took the lion down."

They looked at a large statue of a lion in the front yard.

"So how should we approach this big, nasty, lion eating, woman?" Gunn asked.

Angel rang the doorbell, it chimed. "Ding, dong."

An old lady answered the door. "Hello, come in, come in, all of you."

"Come in, let me get your coats." An old lady vampire, Etta O'Garb, invited the gang into the large front porch. Various cats milled about in the hallway.

"Er... thanks." Angel pulled off his long trench coat and handed it to her.

"I'm sure you already remember Ernie."

A vampire wearing a white vets coat reached over to shake Angel's hand. "Nice seeing you again father."

"Sit down sit down, make yourselves comfortable." The elderly woman pointed to the living room.

They all sat down awkwardly on couches arranged in the living room. Numerous cats crawled over everything in sight.

Etta O'Garb rolled out a tray with various cups and saucers placed on it. She handed each person a cup and saucer and placed sugar and crème on the table. "Here you go, sorry if the coffee is a little stale, it's been a while since I've had any visitors."

"Er. Quite a nice place you have here." Fred looked up. "I like the extra high ceilings; it gives the place more, ambiance."

"Yes I guess it does. You know when I had it built in the late 20's I really wasn't considering aesthetics much, I was more worried about acoustics. The high ceilings provide the perfect amount of reverberation."

"Yeah our friend Lorne, well he's a singer." Fred sipped her coffee. "He said the same thing about our old hotel lobby because it had high ceilings."

"You know I gotta say this is really nice and hospitable of you. I mean normally we don't get served tea and crumpets, we get knuckle sandwiches." Gunn laughed.

Angel concurred. "It sure would be great if we could sit down and calmly talk about our differences instead of getting involved in knock 'em down, drag 'em out, fistfights we have practically every week."

"I must say this is a real nice change of pace." Angel nodded.

Annie and Andy threw a tied up and gagged Wesley down on the floor before them.

Angel looked up at them relieved. "Oh thank God, I thought I'd never get a chance to hit something."

Half of Annie's face was blackened. Big burn marks stained the front of her dress. Andy's face was burned less then Annie's but his ear was shrivelled and blackened. It stuck out strangely from the side of his head and his hair was mostly burned away.

"This concerns no one besides the doctor." Anne stepped forward she carried two Japanese sai in her hands.

The gang moved to form a protective circle around Ernie.

Andy turned to Anne. "No, those concerned are beside the doctor, as one."

The pair walked slowly toward Ernie the doctor.

Gunn stepped forward wielding a large axe in both hands. "I don't normally like beating up on little kids."

"But I don't think you two are gonna be calling child protective services anytime soon." Gunn swung his axe at Anne.

Annie with practically no effort locked her sai around the handle of Gunn's axe as it came toward her. She pulled the axe from his grasp and used the handle from the sai in her other hand to knock Gunn on top of the head.

Gunn fell to the ground backwards toppling over Fred who stood behind him.

"Is he that able or just useless?" Annie stared intently at Ernie.

Andy blade in hand focused on Ernie as well. "Just that he is less useable."

Angel clashed his blade against Andy's.

Andy spun around and swung his sword. The sword cut into the back of Angel's legs.

The sword clattered from Angel's hand as he dropped to his knees.

Andy stretched out his sword holding its tip to the back of Angel's neck. Angel reached up and touched the red area on his throat.

Andy glanced from Angel to Ernie. "Is there still that soul?"

"There's a soul that's still." Annie walked towards Ernie.

"You couldn't just leave me in peace." Ernie stared dejectedly at the ground. "What do you want? Want can you want of me?"

"Is this not fitting enough a vengeance?" Ernie extended his brow, fangs sprung from his jaws.

"This is not vengeance, it was never vengeance." A woman hidden in silhouette entered the room.

The silhouetted woman stepped forward into the light. She slowly removed the black hood covering her head.

Blair's face was revealed. It seemed to shine with an intense luminescence. "It was love."

Before…

Ernest buttoned his shirt back up. He was sweaty and his hair was slightly dishevelled.

A female voice spoke to him. "Doctor, you certainly run a full service clinic." A black cat's tail curled around the air.

Ernie smiled slightly as he tightened the tie around his neck. "Well, we do aim to please."

"My God you're wonderful, you know that. I can't keep thinking how lucky I am to have met you."

"Yes" Ernie looked down pensively as he pulled on his white lab coat. "We're lucky to have crossed paths."

The cat's tail flailed in the air.

"It seems I've been waiting for thousands of years for the right man to come along."

"Still we're opposite, so very different from each other." Ernie tucked his hands inside his lab coat.

"So were lady and the tramp that never stopped them." The tail swirled around.

"People won't understand." Ernie said softly.

"People…hah, they never do." The black cat said licking her claws.

Now…

Anne and Andy stood on either side of Blair as she entered the room.

"Goddess Bastet." They bowed as she stepped before them.

"Bastet? The Bastet?" Wesley still tied up looked at Blair in awe. "Amazing."

"So I guess she ain't really a witchy woman name 'a Blair?" Gunn held his arm in pain.

"Bastet is one of the major gods of the Egyptian pantheon. A rather benevolent one for that matter, associated mainly with fertility and healing."

Fred shrugged. "Which in a way explains her involvement with the doc here."

Ernie looked at Blair/Bastet in utter astonishment. "No it can't be. You're dead. You're dead because I killed you."

Ernie's face was racked with pain. "I caused your death…"

Before…

"I should do it." Ernie tried to push his way past a group of people all wearing white doctors' coats.

"It's ok Ernie, the new guy is taking care of it." A doctor in a white coat slapped Ernie on the back. "We all know how much it bothers you to euthanize the animals, let someone else do it for a change."

"But what if he doesn't do it right. What if he hurts them?"

"Ernie he's going to kill them."

"Yes and they know it too. Do you know how terrified some of those creatures are when you hold them down?"

"They can sense it. They feel something's up. They know it." Ernie's eyes darted back and forth suspiciously.

"They know us for the murderers we are." Ernie whispered

"Murderers? Ernie are you feeling ok?" A doctor looked at him concerned.

Ernie's jaw dropped in horror. "Something's wrong."

A veterinary doctor stood in front of a door blocking Ernie.

"Out of my way." Ernie thundered.

"Earnest you're overreacting, I'm sure…"

Ernie pushed the vet violently to one side and walked past him.

He opened the door to the operating room to see a young doctor holding a needle in his hands. He looked down at the table. There was a black cat sprawled out on it, its tongue was hanging out.

"Oh no! It's the wrong one. You killed her." Ernie held his hand over his mouth aghast.

He grabbed the vet by the lapels of his white coat. "You killed the wrong animal. She's in the next room."

"What?" The young vet stammered.

Ernie vacantly opened a door adjoining the two rooms. In a similar operating room across the way a grey tabby cat sat on the table.

"You killed her." Ernie stared at the dead black cat.

He picked up the black cat delicately in both hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I let you die."

He held the cat tightly in his arms and began to cry.

He leaned against the wall and slowly crumpled to the ground, sobbing.

"I killed you. Oh God, it's my fault, I killed you. How will I go on without you?" He opened his eyes. On the table in front of him he eyes caught a glimpse of the hypodermic needle; blood smeared its tip.

He slowly reached for it, slowly picking it up.

He held it up before him, it still was over half full.

He depressed the plunger slightly and a stream of liquid flew from its tip.

Now…

Ernest looked stunned at Bastet. Suddenly Bastet began to change shape. Her head got smaller and her ears started to get pointy.

A small black cat leapt into Earnest's arms.

Earnest looked at it lovingly. "I thought I'd lost you forever."

The black cat spoke with Blair's voice. "I thought I lost you too. Why did you do that to yourself?"

"When I saw your lifeless body on the table, the reminders all the other lives I had snuffed out."

"The monster I had become…"

Earnest looked in the large wall mirror to the side of him. Ernest was not reflected by the mirror behind him, only Bastet could be seen lifted in his embrace.

"I couldn't bear to stare at myself in the mirror. Well let's just say it seems like the only just thing to do."

"It's just the thing to do." Andy shrunk down in size and formed himself into a stuffed toy boy.

"Just doing its thing." Anne shrunk similarly and flopped her doll body on top of Andy.

"I've known the worship and sacrifice, the dedication and devotion of your kind. Men have kneeled and grovelled before me countless times. But humanity never sees us gods as we truly are. Their scriptures are often corrupted making the gods in man's own image." Bastet, in cat form, spoke to the group.

"The Gods are not tame; they are wild creatures of ferocious intensity such as the tempest or an earthquake. The powers we wield are sleek and fierce and uncontrollable." Bastet grew becoming humanoid.

Bastet in the form of woman Blair yet with distinct feline facial characteristics embraced Ernie. "You saw beyond this face of a goddess to the wild at heart creature underneath it all."

"At heart we are all wild creatures underneath it all." Ernie stared back at her lovingly.

Ernest looked balefully at Angel as he embraced Bastet in his arms. "I'm sorry father; I assumed it was you who was responsible for my condition. I thought Annie and Andy were in league with you, I did not want to see the children, I wished to be left alone. Forever."

"To spend eternity wallowing in guilt?" Angel punched Ernest lightly in the shoulder. "Wow you really are a chip off the old block."

"So what happens next?" Fred asked.

Next…

"And by the power invested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the cat goddess."

Ernie pulled the white veil from the front of Blair's face. Two pointed ears stuck up from her long black hair. Two cats eyes looked out at him, she smiled slightly, her nose moist and black, two canine teeth protruding from beneath her whiskered lips.

Ernie wearing his vampire face smiled back at her. Two sharp teeth protruded from his mouth as well.

They kissed each other. The crowd at the wedding cheered. Annie and Andy carried large baskets of flowers which they threw out to the assembled guests. Angel and the others from the gang were assembled in the front row of chairs behind them all sorts of weird animal headed creatures as well as other demons and sinister beings applauded the kissing pair. They threw rice into the air.

"For a Wedding after a Funeral" Magnus Parvus


End file.
